Thursday, August 13, 2009

I feel... cheated?

One of my friends said to me, earlier this summer, "Every time I see you, it reminds me that my life doesn't suck nearly as much as it could."

Normally, I'm able to keep a very positive outlook. That's thanks to years of therapy and reading different self-help books about education and personality and dog-headed stubbornness. Right now, I'm not feeling particularly positive or motivated or anything else. Because, quite frankly, my life does suck, and I've been cheated out of yet another summer.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for the things that I do have going for me from this summer:
- a beautiful new baby boy
- an interesting and fun toddler
- a beautiful, smart, hardworking wife who tries to take the world on her shoulders
- a new iPhone (might be higher on the list)
- a Yankees team that plays relentless and powerful baseball
- friends that have been wonderful and amazing beyond any possible expectations
- family that is trying to step up and make a bigger difference
- a school community that is looking forward to getting in class with me
- a 90% completed dissertation, and 100% completed other classwork
- a second Master's degree that is allowing me to earn more money at work
- meeting such wonderful volunteers who have opened their hearts to help us

But, man oh man, it's SO easy to lose track of that in the course of other things happening.
- Younger Bro being readmitted to the hospital, at the same time that The Boy was in incredible discomfort and pain
- ummm... cancer?
- five weeks in the hospital with The Boy, of which I spent at least 75% of the nights
- two surgeries, which might or might not be covered under insurance
- hugely stressful family situation
- again, a hugely stressful family situation. It's that bad.
- a family that thinks my wife is, at best, lazy
- node on my vocal folds that has not allowed me to sing, which probably hasn't healed yet because I >can't< rest my voice
- the complete and utter loss of every single one of my doctors (general practice, asthma, allergies, ENT, dermatologist) because of a change in my insurance
- a newborn who loves to scream WAY more than his older brother
- a missed barbershop contest because of hospital stays
- ONE DAY of actual vacation - a trip to Sesame Place. No shore, no travel, no rest, no respite. Except for that day.
- three total days of exercise since June 20, leading to some moderate and persistent breathing issues

Do you know that I haven't even unpacked my summer clothes? There's two bins of clothing - shorts, bathing suits, polo shirts, t-shirts - sitting in the living room. I have a closetful of short-sleeved button down shirts that I haven't taken out yet. I've worn jeans and khakis (necessary hospital wear because of the relative temperature of the rooms) more often than shorts.

While I don't like swimming that much (10 years of lifeguarding can do that), it's a shame that I haven't gotten in any water at all this year - ocean, pool, whatever. Closest thing is the shower.

Man. I'll be okay, I know that. I'm just irritated as all hell.


JC said...

Take a deep breath, then scream. Repeat until you feel better. Life WILL get better at some point, just hang in there!!!

Sarah R said...

I'm sorry--I know it has to be hard, even though I can't imagine how hard. Your life doesn't suck because you have a beautiful family. You will get through it all... ;)

Rebecca said...

I am a loyal reader of The Logical Mommy's blog, and through her blog I read yours as well. I wanted to take a moment to tell you, that I am moved by your devotion to your family. Your family has been dealt a horrible hand, and the struggles must seem overwhelming. The way you and your wife have forged together and overcome the unimaginable obstacles you have had to face is inspiring. If you were any less of a man, and she any less of a woman, the hurdles you have had to jump could have broken you. Instead, when things get hard, you both jump in with both hands and take charge of the situation. It truly is inspiring. Your children are being given such a wonderful example of compassion, responsibility and resilience. I hope that eventually, you both get what is due. Your family deserves to have some peace. Keep your head up, and keep on being the wonderful people that you are.

Anya said...

You guys have been dealt a crappy hand that no one should have to endure. It's okay to let it get you down once in a while. You're human! But remember that you and Molly are a HUGE inspiration to many people! Keep your head up as best you can. You guys are doing an amazing job! :)

ANDREA said...

Is it just me, or am I the only one to think that you're friend's comment was insensitive?

I can't offer much words of wisdom; I can't even imagine being delt the hand you all have been given.

I just wanted to say keep your chin up, it will be rough, emotional & bittersweet period, but you will get through it as a family...

Heather said...

I too, like Rebecca, am a faithful reader of The Logical Mommy and read your blog as well. Rebecca took the words right out of my mouth. I second everything that she has to say. Keep your head held high and keep doing what you are doing even if is seems like you are going to drown.

I also agree that your friend's comment was pretty unsensitive. People need to think about things before they say them.

the mol said...

Taken in the context of that friend, neither of us found it to be particularly insensitive. It was more along the lines of "I have no right to complain."

And at least we have each other. And cute boys.