Friday, October 22, 2010

Where does the time go?

I'm not entirely certain what I've been doing over the last several days. Not much, is the short answer; there's a few things brewing right now, but nothing imminent. I just don't feel like I've accomplished anything or moved in any one particular direction. Right now, I'm kind of floating around, more-or-less aimlessly, and I don't like it. I haven't exercised since last Thursday (more than a week), and I haven't even had the energy to think too much about it. I wake up; I may or may not go to work, mostly may not; The Wife may or may not go to work; and I spend the rest of the day sharing children with Grandma. We haven't really gone anywhere, and we're in a rut about leaving the house many days. Sigh.

On the surface, there's lots of stuff: my chorus and my quartet, which both competed last weekend; my leadership duties with my chorus and with setting up the new chapter, which starts in two weeks; a new temp job, working at a water waste treatment filtration manufacturer; a job interview for a town south of Pittsburgh; parenting two wonderful babies; and juggling my wife's efforts for a playing career, private lesson teaching career, and public school teaching career. And, that doesn't count the housework that I've been neglecting, either.

Excuses aside, there isn't that much going on that requires time and energy, more than thought and occasional discussion. Taking care of the boys and The Wife's teaching and playing are usually combined together. The temp job doesn't start for another week, and has some paperwork and a physical before I can start working. My chorus had a big rush of work, in selecting new music and getting it ordered; that's done, and only took an hour or so. The new chorus is occupying much of my thought right now, as we're trying to create an elite performing organization from the ground up. That carries a certain amount of stress and anxiety with it. Still no reason, yet, for a physically inactive person to carry the tiredness that I'm carrying right now.

The new information, from yesterday afternoon, is that I have an interview for a teaching position south of town. It's on November 8, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've documented my feelings about getting back in the classroom before, so I won't rehash my personal issues and demons. I'm just unhappy that I've got two and a half weeks to build up my hopes and dreams, only to (likely) have them dashed against the rocks if I fail to make it past the first round of interviews again. Or, worse: make it to the second or third round and fail. Or, even worse: get accepted for the job, only to have them talk to the soulless folks in my LAST job, and have the job withdrawn from me at the last minute.

Isn't it great, having such a vivid imagination? All the worst things in the world are called right to the surface. I used to be an optimist, with a bulletproof belief in myself as a teacher and a human being. The curse of age and experience is that you realize exactly how vulnerable and imperfect you really are. I know I'll reframe my beliefs as I get closer to the date. I'm just panicking a little bit right now.


What doesn't help is the fact that the boys have their stereo wake-up / freak-outs immaculately timed for the moment that The Wife and I are both asleep. So, we hold off going to sleep until the boys wake up. They don't, so we go to sleep around woot o'clock, then they wake up ten minutes later. It's amazing.

I think, if Grandma is amenable to watching The Boy, I'll take Younger Bro for a nice, long, two or three mile walk this afternoon. I also need to put away laundry, sort dirty laundry, mow the lawn, and blow leaves off of the patio and the driveway. That should wake me up. If not, there's a reason G-d invented coffee.

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