Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Missing You

I wonder how far back The Boy's memory goes? Does he remember things - at least, as well as any toddler does - as actual events, or does he just remember flashes of emotion?

I know that I only have little flashes of being four and five years old, but that was around 32 years ago or so. Life is trying to fit a gallon of daily information into a shot glass sized brain, which means that some stuff gets lost in the translation.

I guess what I'm really wondering is, how much does he remember that awful three week period in December 2009, when I was back in New Jersey finishing up house preparations while the rest of my family was adjusting to treatment at Children's here in Pittsburgh? Over the last day or so, he's been really upset about the amount of time I've spent out of the house, and it's concerning.

Last night, he flipped out at 3:00 in the morning because he wanted to come into our bed. That concept is not unusual, but the manner of the fit was concerning and solved with snuggles until keep came. My schedule at work has changed a bit, allowing me to drive the kids to school, which helped this morning. The Wife told me that he's spent much of the last several days looking for me around the house.

Tonight, he flipped out about being away from me for more than a minute or two. It was kind of hurtful to me, because I know that I'll be away from him during work and this weekend, when I have a chorus event in Toledo. What's he going to do this weekend, when I'm away from Friday morning for work, go to Toledo from work, and head home next on Sunday afternoon?

I hate being away from them for any length of time. It's painful for me, because I've been so involved with their lives for so long. I know that normal families have one parent at least, who works 60 hours a week; why should we be any different? I know that I'm motivated to get work done because of the stakes (full time job means I can care for my family).

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2 comments:

Susan Cox said...

Tears came to my eyes when I read this, Chuck. No parent of a child at risk should have to go through this. I feel your pain but am sure I can't really know it. The time you spend with him must be really intense so that he knows when you are apart you are still part of his heart. OMG aren't those song lyrics? Anyway, he may be too young to know this yet but I believe he will. Maybe we can fix a time this weekend to call him and sing to him. Hugs

Johanna S said...

As you know, we haven't been through what you have, but my daughter is the same age. She happens to adore her dad, too. He gets to work from home a fair bit. This year, he has traveled a few times this year and it feels like the older Ari gets, the harder it gets for her, and, therefore, for all of us. It breaks my heart to hear her talk about it. At this age, they really feel it and they really verbalize. Furthermore, they remember and so even after you return home, they'll worry about it for months. You could very well leave the house for two hours and they may be wondering if you'll be home tonight. I wish I could tell you how to make it all better for him. I'd say definitely make a point of web chatting once a day. Emphasize that dad always comes back. And give him lots of daddy time and snuggles when you are home, which I can tell you already do! Is it at all possible to drop some extracurricular activities so that you are either working or home with the family? Not easy, I know. Just a thought. It's hard to feed the family, do what you love, and have enough time with the babies. Feels almost impossible, in fact. Hugs to The Boy from an empathizing mama!